I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
