I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
