she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
