Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
