Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
