Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
When are your genitals available?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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