Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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