I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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