Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
