morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
