I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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