life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
