Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
