He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
