he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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