he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
