okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
