It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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