Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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