Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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