Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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