mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
