Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
well you can't waste a boner
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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