I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
