i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
