im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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