The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's blow job season.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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