Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
