It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
