I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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