i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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