im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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