I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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