I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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