So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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