I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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