I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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