remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
