Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
