Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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