theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
