he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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