i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
