My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
