I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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