i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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