forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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