My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
