I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
