I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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