i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
