so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
