New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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