you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
