I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
