there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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