I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
