If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
