I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
