I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
