Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
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Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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