So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
