My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
